


A Cold, Dead, Rock

by Impossibly_Izzy



Category: The Martian - Andy Weir, Vlogbrothers
Genre: Existential Crises, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Screenplay/Script Format, dubious advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 16:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30125376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impossibly_Izzy/pseuds/Impossibly_Izzy
Summary: In snippets of the podcast Dear Hank and John, two brothers answer questions, give dubious advice, and discuss the struggle for survival by one man on the surface of Mars.
Relationships: Hank Green & John Green
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	A Cold, Dead, Rock

**811: Forever A Gnome**

Hank: I have a proposal for you.

John: Oh yeah?

H: I think we should make a new bet. Like, if AFC Wimbledon win the league, we rename the podcast to Dear John and Hank.

J: We should – wait, are you serious? I could have another opportunity to have my name first in the podcast title? Which, as you know, is my life’s ambition.

H: Yeah, why not?

J: Oh my god, Hank, what a beautiful opportunity. At a time when a lot of us need something beautiful, I think.

H: I mean, to be clear, it’s pretty unlikely. It’s not gonna happen any time soon.

J: Eh, we’ll get there.

**812: Mars News All The Way Down**

J: It’s a cold open.

H: It’s… yeah. It’s a cold open.

J: It’s also the Mars news.

H: I feel like the line between cold open and Mars news is getting pretty blurry.

J: Do you wanna tell us what’s happening now?

H: Yeah, so, for the one person who somehow still hasn’t heard, there’s an astronaut called Mark Watney, and everyone thought he died in a dust storm on Mars, but he didn’t. He’s still alive. On Mars.

J: Ugghff. This is a Level One Emergency, Hank.

H: E- _mars_ -ency

J: Hmm. I don't love it.

H: But yeah, I think his life is just gonna be one Level One Emergency after another.

J: The part that really gets me is that they still haven’t told the rest of the Ares crew.

H: It’s – yeah. NASA doesn’t want them to feel like they abandoned him. You can kind of see where they’re coming from, but also it’s – ehhhh. Seems kinda bad.

J: In related news, being stranded on Mars has jumped way up to the top of my list of existential fears.

H: I think you probably don’t have too much to worry about there.

J: Yeah, I am keeping myself firmly on Earth.

[Intro music]

H: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

J: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

H: It’s a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week’s news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

J: Hank, this question comes from José, who writes: Dear John and Hank…

**814: Warm Eggplant Emoji Salad**

J: I’ve gotta say, this Andy Carlisle guy is shaping up to be a pretty good captain.

H: But you did lose the game.

J: Yeah, but we looked really good while we were losing it. We’re headed in the right direction!

H: So the news from Mark this week –

J: From Mark?

H: What?

J: Did you do that on purpose?

H: Oh, did I say the news from Mark? I did not do that on purpose.

J: That’s pretty funny. What did Mark do this week?

H: So even though we still don’t have any contact with Mark Watney, we can see from the satellite photos that he’s been taking the rover out for a lot of drives. We don’t know what exactly he’s up to at the moment, but I think NASA are probably working on figuring that out.

J: Everyone should go look at the photos – they’re up on NASA’s website and it’s just, it’s incredible to see evidence of someone living alone on another planet.

H: Yeah, it’s kind of terrifying.

J: You know I’ve always said there’s no time I’d rather live than now, but I think I also need to make it clear that there’s no planet I’d rather live on than Earth.

H: I’m pretty sure you’ve said that before.

J: Yeah, I probably have.

**834: The Great Antelope Debate**

J: This podcast is brought to you by… Mark Watney! Still alive!

H: He’s still alive up there!

J: I feel like watching him continue to survive, I mean, the way everyone’s been coming together to route for him – it’s pretty incredible.

H: It is. Is this is what it’s like being into sports?

J: Yeah, except in this case there’s no opposing team. Except the universe’s inevitable descent into chaos.

H: It really wouldn’t be Dear Hank and John if it didn’t end up coming back to entropy.

J: Well, everything does, Hank.

H: This podcast is also brought to you by Leah’s Cheerios! Leah’s Cheerios: they’re like regular Cheerios, but with peanut butter on them.

J: I kind of want some peanut butter Cheerios now.

**836: Bored in a Barn**

H: So what happened is that one of the Hab’s airlocks, like, ripped off, and the depressurisation propelled it about fifty meters.

J: With Watney inside it.

H: Right. And he’s fine – he got back and fixed everything even though his EVA suit was damaged.

J: I mean, what a dude.

H: I know.

J: You can’t even imagine what he’s going through. It’s amazing. I mean, I’m too anxious to go on the Froghopper.

H: So the main problem we’ve got now is that everything inside the Hab was exposed to the Martian atmosphere, which is incredibly thin and cold. Which means that Mark’s potato plants, which were meant to keep him alive until Sol 900, are dead, and the potatoes he’s got aren’t going to last anywhere near that long.

J: Gaahhhh.

H: So NASA are back to the drawing board.

J: I’m stressed. I’m stressed, Hank.

H: Yeah.

J: It’s hard not to project this onto my own experiences. Even though I know that literally no-one has ever gone through Mark Watney is going through, I can’t help applying it to my own… like, I just remember lying on this cabin floor in the arctic, staring up at the rafters, feeling like the pain wasn’t just in my head, or even in my body, it was all around me. Like I was trapped inside of it.

H: I wouldn’t be surprised if Mark’s feeling something like that.

J: I guess it’s about finding that line between empathising and making things about me.

H: Oh, we actually have a relevant question.

J: Oh yeah?

H: This question comes from anonymous, who writes: Dear Hank and John, my best friend has depression and anxiety and has been struggling a lot recently. I want to help her but I never know what to say and I feel like I always end up talking about myself of just being useless and making things worse. Any dubious advice would be appreciated. The biggest P4A donor, anonymous.

J: That’s a reference to the fact that I make the same joke every year on the Project For Awesome livestream.

H: Or maybe they actually are our biggest donor. You don’t know.

J: Right, because they’re anonymous.

H: I think if you’re in this situation and you find yourself talking about yourself a lot, that’s not actually as bad as you think it is.

J: Yeah. That’s just our whole podcast.

H: I think the most important thing is that you show your friend that you’re listening. And if you can say, I understand and here’s a time I felt something similar, then that’s fine.

J: Yeah, as long as you make sure you’re not talking over them.

H: Right. Your friend probably doesn’t want you to _do_ anything, she just wants to feel heard and like you care about her, which you clearly do.

J: Yeah, I think a lot of us feel this pressure to be proactive but you can’t do that in every situation – like, my wife can’t change the fact that I have a mental illness, but she can listen to me try and explain it. And she does things like – maybe there are small things you can do, like bringing your friend food or whatever, that will show that you care, and also improve their quality of life.

H: Yeah, you could make them a care package. Get some cookies in there. Or maybe you can just go over and see if they need help with chores or making a doctor’s appointment. I guess there are things you can do to help if you focus on one small problem at a time rather than trying to fix the whole thing.

J: Like, instead of asking, how do I get my friend off the surface of Mars, you ask, can I help my friend fix the Hab airlock so they can take their spacesuit off.

H: Exactly.

J: Did we just give some actually good advice?

**845: For the Lady Geese**

J: So AFC Wimbledon played Portsmouth this week, and – shall we just do the Mars news?

H: Are you sure?

J: At this point, even I’m more invested in the Mars news.

H: That’s understandable. The Iris probe is set to launch the day after tomorrow –

J: I am _stressed_.

H: Yeah. I’m freaking out a bit.

J: Like, it’s always stressful when something’s launching because so much work has gone into it and you’d hate to see it go wrong, but this is…. Ugghff. Something else.

H: For anyone who’s confused, the Iris supply probe is the last chance to get enough food to Mark Watney to last until Ares 4 reaches him.

J: I think something that’s really interesting about this is the way it makes you consider how we distribute resources. Like, how many lives could we save if all the money the government’s spent trying to help Mark Watney had gone to Partners In Health? But at the same time, Watney isn’t, like, a thought experiment, he’s a real human person stranded on another planet.

H: And he’s a pretty powerful symbol.

J: Yeah. I think that’s the main thing happening here.

H: The thing is, I want to care about everyone as much as I care about Mark Watney. No-one should be abandoned, or without food – I want to have my attention in eight billion places, but that’s just not feasible.

J: I mean, if anyone could have their attention in eight billion places, it would be you.

H: Ha. Yeah.

J: That’s why I don’t want to let this take our attention away from our work with Partners In Health, or the other non-profits we support with the Project For Awesome – which, by the way, is next week.

H: Oh yeah, that’s still happening.

J: But it’s tough.

H: Sure is.

**846: One Crisis Per Episode**

J: So, the Iris probe.

H: Yep.

J: Uuuggghhhnnn.

H: I… I dunno. I don’t have a joke to make about this.

J: I don’t know what to do when you’re sad. You’re supposed to be the peppy one!

H: …John?

J: Yeah?

H: When we started this podcast, did you think we’d be doing it this long?

J: To be honest, I thought you’d run out of Mars news after a year.

H: Like, every week we answer these questions and make jokes, no matter what’s happening in the world. Or on Mars, I guess. We acknowledge the terrorist attacks and the elections and the protests and the pandemics and we make our dumb jokes and give out advice that isn’t even gonna help people.

J: Yeah.

H: Aren’t you gonna say something about moments of levity being important?

J: I was gonna, but like…

H: Yeah.

J:

H:

J:

H: I’m finding it hard to think about anything else.

J: We can do this another time.

H: …No, no, I’m fine. This is not something that’s happening to _me_.

J: And, uh, I’m sure NASA’s already working on something else.

H: Yeah, even just for PR reasons, they have to do everything they can. Although I’m sure everyone at NASA cares as much about Mark as we do.

J: So, uh, welcome to Dear Hank and John! It’s a comedy podcast!

H: Hahahaha, it sure is, John.

J: We only have, like, one existential crisis per episode.

H: We take it in turns.

J: Hank, this question comes from Emily. She says: Dear John and Hank, I’m starting college this fall and I want to know how many stuffed animals it’s acceptable to take with me. How many before my roommate thinks I’m super weird? Plushies and penguins, Emily.

H: Right up until the sign-off I was wondering if she meant, like, cuddly toys or taxidermy.

J: Yeah, that’s an important distinction.

H:

J: You okay?

H: What? Yes. Emily – take all the stuffed animals. Make your roommate feel like the weird one.

J: Yeah, just peer pressure them into getting some plushies of their own.

**891: Boris the Turtle**

H: In Mark news, it looks like he’s finally past the dust storm!

J: He did it! That guy never ceases to amaze me.

H: Now all he has to do is drive the rest of the way to the Schiaparelli Crater, modify the Mars Ascent Vehicle by himself, launch into space, and get picked up by the Hermes crew.

J: The thing that I’m constantly in awe of is that no matter how bleak things look, Mark just keeps pushing onwards. And everyone at NASA, and the Hermes crew… it really goes to show how persistent humanity is. I think it’s beautiful.

H: And stressful.

J: Truly, the duality of the universe.

H: By the way, the next few podcast episodes are going to be old live shows.

J: Yeah, there will still be content out but we’re not recording a new one for a while.

H: John is making me take a break.

J: Truly a feat. I don’t want to sound like I’m comparing myself to Mark Watney, but I am also succeeding in the face of insurmountable odds.

**902: Funk Sole Brother**

J: How’re you doing, Hank?

H: What a throwback.

J: Yeah, 2015 called and they want their podcast segments back.

H: Aren’t they too busy listening to Uptown Funk or something?

J: And making… Vines? Was Vine a thing in 2015?

H: I have no idea.

J: Seriously. How are you?

H: I’m losing my mind, and also fine.

J: Hahahahaha.

H: I woke up at three AM and started brainstorming charity fundraisers, and then I got out my soda stream and mixed all my syrups together.

J: How was it?

H: _Way_ too sweet. So it completely defeated the point of the soda stream, like I might as well have just bought a Diet Dr Pepper.

J: Who still refuse to sponsor us, by the way.

H: Anyway, I’m directing my attention to a lot of non-Mark Watney places. I think, whatever happens with the launch, I need to know I’ve got projects lined up.

J: Oh yeah?

H: I’m thinking some way for people to sell nerdfighter art for charity all year round, rather than just during the Project For Awesome? Like Etsy, but for charity.

J: I think that’s a great idea!

H: I’m also trying to figure out how to get shoes with our names printed on the sole, so your footprint would say Hank or John. Or maybe one on the left foot and one on the right foot.

J: That’s a great idea too!

H: Seriously?

J: I think if anyone can make it work, it’s you.

H: You’re obviously humouring me, and right now I’m actually okay with that.

J:

H:

J: Sorry, I was just checking if there was a Watney update.

H: Yeah, I don’t think we’re gonna have anything for Mars news today. Maybe I’ll edit in a segment once we know how the launch goes.

**905: A Comedy Podcast**

J: Hello and welcome to Dear John and Hank!

H: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear Hank and John.

J: We did it!!

H: You know what? You deserve this.

J: AFC Wimbledon won the league! Hank, when Andy Carlisle lifted that trophy in AFC Wimbledon’s beautiful Plough Lane stadium, it was a sight to behold. I wept with joy.

H: I’m happy for you, John.

J: Welcome to Dear John and Hank! It’s a podcast in which two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice and bring you all the week’s news from Mars, which has zero people on it, and AFC Wimbledon, the best team in the whole third tier of English soccer!

H: Do you think we could get Mark Watney on the pod once he’s back?

J: Oh, I definitely think we could.

H: Hugggghhh.

J: Phhhhhuuuuu.

H: I feel like I can relax for the first time in like, two years.

J: Same. Same.

H: Can we get back to being a comedy podcast now?

J: Hank, there is nothing I would like more. Shall I read a question from a listener?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this weird thing I made! I'm @impossiblyizzy on tumblr if you want to come say hi :)


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